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DIY Guys/Transcript
Green's House, backyard (Episode title appears on the living room wall; camera follows a cord past Dirtbag stuck inside the wall outside.) Cricket: You've all been gathered here for a once-in-a-lifetime chance to witness a revelation in modern agriculture! Behold: the Carrot Sucker! (Shows he is standing on a vacuum cleaner; Tilly and Remy are here.) Cricket: In just three seconds flat, all the carrots you see here will be slurped out of the ground! Count with me! (starts the vacuum) One! (The vacuum suddenly stops.) Remy: Two! Cricket: Remy, was that sass, or just ignorance? Bill: Cricket! What in the world did ya do?!? Cricket: It's not my fault, Dad, what kind of vacuum clogs from too much dirt? Bill: (examines it) Well, this is definitely broken. Remy: When are you gonna call the fix-it, Mr. Green? Bill: Call? (chuckles) I'm not gonna call anyone, I'll fix it myself! Remy, I'm a DIY guy. Remy: (typing on phone) D...I...Y? Bill: It stands for "Do-It-Yourself". Don't your folks ever fix stuff around the house? Remy: Mmm-mmm. My family just uses money. Like this. (He swipes a credit card through the phone; a drone delivers a package which Remy catches.) Remy: I got you a present! (He opens the box to reveal a purple teddy bear holding a heart that reads "I wuv you beary much".) Remy: Just a little something for the house. Bill: Um...thanks. (looks at the bear; puts it in his pocket) But Remy, I'm concerned you don't possess the all-important skill of self-reliance. Cricket: (rolling eyes, annoyed) Oh geez, Tilly. Dad's doin' his self-reliance speech again. Huh? (Zoom out to show Tilly lying on the ground with eyes closed and holding a lily flower as if playing dead.) Tilly: I can't hear it 'cause I died of boredom...blehhhhh... Cricket: (chuckles) Oh no, it's catching! (groans and flops down, mimicing her) Bill: Ah, don't listen to them, Remy. Back in the country, I learned to be self-reliant, and being self-reliant gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment. Take me for example: I grow my own food, change my own oil, heck! I even cut my own hair! (He lifts his hat to reveal a bad haircut including a poorly cut section near the left brow.) Bill: (fake coughs) It'll grow out. Remy: Wow...I wish I could do all that. Bill: Well, you can. And I'll teach ya! We're gonna fix this vacuum ourselves! You'll never need to ask for help again! Remy: Hooray! Bill: Let's go! Remy: Carry me! Bill: Yeah -- what? Remy: You don't expect me to walk there all by myself, do you? (makes fists) Bill:' '''This is gonna be harder than I thought. Overhaüls, exterior ''(The Greens and Remy approach a hardware store with a rather foreign-looking name.) Bill: Fixin' the vacuum will be easy. A brush head isn't spinnin', which means we just need a new vacuum belt. Turquoise male worker: Hello, sir! Welcome to Overhaüls, the Scandinavian hardware store. If ya need anything, ask someone wearing one of these uniforms. Bill: (laughs loudly) No. I was literally born in the plumin' section of a hardware store. I think I know my way around. C'mon, kids. (takes them away) Let's find a door we can open ourselves. Interior (They enter through the other door and gasp; shows the many aisles of hardware supplies.) Greens, Remy (OS): Wow... Bill: This sure is a lot bigger than the hardware store back home. Remy: How are we ever gonna find anything here? Bill: Use your eyes, Remy -- look to the signs. (Shows a display sign from the ceiling; its text is Sweedish.) Bill (OS): "Kyckling"..."Kottbullar"... (back to him) Huh. No matter, we'll find it, regardless! Let's go, Remy! Remy: (sitting in a cart) Nono, don't say anything. I knew it was wrong when I got in. (starts to get out; trips) GAH! (the cart lands on him) Bill: (lifts cart) Come on. (Remy leaves; facepalms) Geeze Louise. (Tilly and Cricket follow; '' '''Female voice:' Todd?...Todd?! (He passes one of the workers.) Purple female worker: Hey! I'm talkin' to you! Cricket: Who, me? Purple female worker: Yeah, you! You're late for your shift, Todd. (Cricket stares confused) At least you wore your uniform this time. Cricket: (looks at his overalls) My uniform? Brown female worker: (struggles to put a box on a shelf) Phew! Cricket: I am wearing overalls...therefor I work here. Purple female worker: Todd, I need you on the forklift today. (hands him keys) Cricket: Forklift? (sees one) Bingo-bango! Drawer hanger aisle Bill: C'mon, kids! If you're not payin' attention to where you're goin', you could get lost in here! (Right on cue, Tilly is sidetracked by a cart of...) Tilly: Garden gnomes? Yes, please. (She sees a shopper trying to reach for a box on a hard-to-reach shelf.) Yellow male shopper: Ah, I can't reach it. I guess I'll just go home, and I won't even have that thing! (sighs) Tilly: Who's gonna help that poor man? What brave soul will answer this call? Me, it'll be me. I will. (She climbs the shelf and drops the box down to him.) Yellow male shopper: Whoa! My thing! (as Tilly leaves across the shelf top) Who was that? Another aisle (Bill and Remy walk; they don't see Tilly pass by above.) Bill: ...And that's the difference between male and female plug-ins. Remy: I have so many questions. Bill: We all do. Hold on just a minute, Remy. We need to figure out where we're goin', it -- (stops) What the...? (Ahead of them is a display for "Vacuümba", small miniature vacuums that rove the ground.) Remy: Oooooh! Vacuümbas, the robot vacuum! Hey, Mr. Green! If you buy one of these, you won't need to fix your vacuum. My family has like, twelve of them. Even all my assistance. There's Larry, Vally, Prommie, Buzzy, Yippie, Sneezy, Barry... (keeps talking; fades out) Bill: (not listening, looks at Swedish signs) Uh, what is...? Uh...what...what? Wha-wha...where in the heck are we? Remy: (holds up a purple Vacuümba) Mr. Green! Bill: (snaps out) A-huh?! Remy: I think this one likes you! Bill: Remy, put that mechanical disgrace away! The vacuum belt's gotta be...this way! (points to the right of him) (He rushes off; Remy follows.) Random aisles (Cricket is messing with the forklift.) Cricket: Wheeeeeee! (passes a shopper) No hands! (sits on the forks; they rise) Goin' up. (now they fall) Goin' down. (looks at the horn) I 'unno, what's this do? (honks the horn; chuckles) Excuse me. (tags it) Tag, you're it! (runs off laughing; drives in donuts) Whoooo! Haha! Yee-haw! This is the best! (He is suddenly stopped by the purple worker from before.) Purple female worker: Todd! You got work in aisle 20! If you're goofin' around, I'll get someone else to drive the forklift! Cricket: Oh, um...sure thing, boss! (salutes) Other random aisles (Tilly is suiting up with worker gloves, a weilding mask and a shower curtain.) Tilly (VO): The shoppers, with their tiny arms, reach up to the sky in need. This store needs a hero. (The store briefly blacks out; before a struggling shopkeeper gets a box.) Green male shopper: (looks up) Huh? (Shows Tilly doing various heroic deeds and zipping around the aisles.) Tilly (VO): A hero that will climb the shelves of injustice. The world looks up and shouts: "Can someone reach that? And I answer: "Yes." That's why I'm here. That's why I have become...TILLY TOP SHELF! Shipping aisle Bill: Doesn't matter that we got turned around a bit, Remy. DIY guys learn from their mistakes. I know we're gettin' close to the vacuum belts. (feels face) I can feel it. Remy: (mimicing him) Yeah. Me too. Category:Episode Transcript Category:Season 1 Transcripts Category:D Category:A-Z